Thursday, September 07, 2006

rumblings....

almost midnight soon.... i'm still wide awake... prolly my own fault for napping ard 7plus at nite... tot of coming online to blog down some of my contridicting thoughts for this week... with "blasting" music in the background... hahaha... think i better correct my sentense... it's not really blasting but loud enuff for me to sway to the fast music....boy i miss my clubbing days... hmmm... almost two years since i last went clubbing...to think of it... that seemed really long... mus go clubbing one day....

the beginning of this week was terrible... arguments,arguments and more arguments... is it wrong for me to ask for more time with my bf?perhaps it was... since that was what we argued about. i wanted TW to accompany me to Comex... but he refused to budge from his house... granted that he tried to make up for it by having breakfast wif me... but I went to his house for breakfast... is he making up to me or i'm making it up to him... i dunno... ultimately i decided it was too far for me to go alone... thus i accomapnied him to his camp to collect some papers... there was really no need for me to go to CCK for shopping since i had nothing in mind to purchase... but i lied to him that i needed to get printer ink to print my notes... all i wanted to do is jus to spend more time with him... how wrong could that be?? i'm being nice rite... i guess he din see it as that way... i asked him to go over to my house in the afternoon coz no one was at home... merely wanted so quiet time together... which was something i dun get very much nowadays without paying 2 weeks worth of lunch $... but he refused... when i merely showed disappointment...i jus sulked... i did not throw temper..i did not shouted at him... can't i even sulk?i'm entitled to my own emotions rite? but he said that i was being over-bearing, being possessive and demanding... i "force" him to go out when he did not want to....talked to him when we reached our own homes... once again i cried... he did not understand anything that i was trying to say... he was shouting at me... is he being insensitive or am i overbearing?

i do not know...i wanted to get a third opinion but no one was free... no one was available... i guess that's the price to pay for being a loner.... i might be able to make frens easily.... but asking me to turn to them for help... i cant bring myself to....it was a sunday... each and everyone was spending time with their loved ones... but there i was crying away in a cold empty room....

that was sunday... and again... on tuesday... we quarreled again... we were supposed to meet to buy present for my dad... waited for one afternoon... looking forward to having dinner with him... missed going out for dinner with my family jus for him... but he told me he was tired and din wanna meet me... he cancelled out on me again... was pissed off with him... but when i had no mood to talk to him over the fone... he said i was showing attitude... i packed my books and ran out of the house.... made sure that i was faraway before my tears rolled out uncontrollably... i simply cried and cried non-stop.... i cried until there were no more tears... had all the things i had done for him were for nothing? was i really that demanding in his eyes? all the things that happened between his family and me had destroyed my life... it destroyed my character... mel and sandy asked me once,"shan... where's the old u? why had u became so insecure? where had the girl who stood up against bullies for her frens?"... i also did not know where that girl went to... was she killed? is it only the souless body walking ard? wat had i done to my relationship that made it left like that?

the two of us had very different perspective to our relationship... i think he is not doing enuff.... he thinks i'm demanding too much... who is rite and who is wrong? who can judge? how many times had i bite my lips and decided to give the relationship another try? am i such a horrible person that i dun even deserve a proper relationship? not even 2 years in a relationship,i find that we are out of topics to say... where had the days that we talked for hours on the fone? talking abt anything under the sun? nowadays... though we were on the fone... but other than arguing whther he was paying attention to me... we had nothing else to talk about... i wanted him to know about how i really felt... but i could neva get the topic started... was it my insecurities that made me doubt out relationship or is it there was really a problem? i thought about many many problems... and i also cried and cried and cried... i thought about ending the relationship... i had no confidence at all whether these communcation problem could be solved at all... i felt so lost and confused... i jus kept walking... i walked from boon lay drive to chinese gardens and back once more...i still had not found the solution...

coming back to my room... i looked at my bed which we had shared so many times... i thought of the times that he had kissed my troubles and tears away... how happy i had felt when we did not quarrel... made me decide to try again.... i will try to make this relationship work out... to say that i did not love him would be a lie.... i love him and am still loving him... but the future is grim from my end of the tunnel... i could not see the solution to the communication problem... how can i marry a guy that i cant talk to? how can i marry a guy that doesnt bother to check my blog? i really dunno... even though we are talking to each other... civily...i still dun feel secure...


{9/07/2006 11:31:00 pm}

I wish I could soar
And tell the world...
I want to be with you