Wednesday, March 01, 2006

i'm so lousy

suddenly was hit by this deep wave of depression... i realised that i'm such a useless fren... fionie was in such terrible mood for the past month and i din even know about it... why doesn't she come to me for help?why doesn't anyone comes to me for help? dawned on my that i have actually lost touch with so many pple... fionie...ting...crystal koh...even myself....

i have lost touch with myself... can u believe it? i'm drowning myself with piles of work now... busy with office work... busy with helping other solve the PC problems... busy worrying abt other pple... but i cant even solve my own problem??????

when can i get my bf to listen to me?i strongly suspect how much my bf knows about me... does he know that i am breaking down now?does he knows that he's slowly killing me?i know that he cannot control his family... i know that he is also facing a lot of stress from his auntie.. the auntie that doesn't like me...perphaps i should repharse myself... the auntie that hates me...

i really feel like a infectious disease... not supposed to show my face anywhere... even CNY i also cannot visit his family... i wanted to... jus to show respect to his family to visit a little... but how can i? he's afraid that it would invite trouble.... he doesn't want his auntie to show black face or to throw temper... he does not want me to be upset after the whole thing.... but wat he doesn't realise is that it's really killing me....

am i such a bad gf? have i neglected him in anyway? in this two months... i have heard so many things from his mouth... he said that he's afraid that i would take away his freedom if we get married one day... he said that i was unreasonable... he said that i was being sticky and possessive... each careless remark from him is slicing my heart out.... i really dunno how much heart have i left to be hurt like that...

i wanna cry out but how can i? i have nowhere to go.... i have lost my freedom the day i moved into my sister's house... i got no where to hide and cry... i have no one to turn to... i admire yimei for having the courage and the ability to cry.... i can only take in and the pain and hurt and swallow them inside me... i really feel like killing myself...to stop all the pain and all the problems...

i'm not asking for much... i jus want to love and be loved... why mus there be his aunties around? isn't a relationship about the two of us only? why cant he ask his auntie to back off? to go away? is it because he doesn't want me anymore?

it's very tiring to hear pple say that he should do something to stop the auntie... and i have to defend his actions though i agree with them.... i'm tired of getting hurt...i want to be with him... but how can i be with him when his aunt is like that? our future is really unstable at the moment... i really cant see how i can live with his family if his aunt is as crazy like this now...

I WANNA DIE.....


{3/01/2006 02:06:00 pm}

I wish I could soar
And tell the world...
I want to be with you